A Sensual Wish
by iNiGmA
Summary: Written for Steph… presenting…. MY CRAZY STORY! Steph wants Harry… but Harry’s not real. What’s she to do but wish and wish, and hope that her wish comes true? But at what cost can she reach her dream? ReadReview! Rated for language.
1. The Girl That Fell From The Ceiling

**_A Sensual Wish _**_– chap 1_**_  
_**_By__: iNiGmA_

Disclaimer: I OWN HARRY POTTER AND I LIVE IN ENGLAND AND I'M MAD RICH, YO!!!!! HAHAHA…. I wish….. JKR ROCKS!!!

**A/N**: This is written for my awesome friend, Steph, because she rocks and because she wrote a fanfic similar to this for me and InuYasha, hehe… (read it, it's mad funny, it's called "**A Fangirl's Fantasy" **byharry's4menotu. Anyways, this is obviously dedicated to Steph…. And basically anyone else who's in love with Harry…. or any other random unreal character. I think this is the weirdest thing I ever wrote, so I hope you people don't flame me for it…or anything… if you even read it, that is… I also hope it doesn't get deleted for the title… cause that would suck… but I couldn't think of anything else… but someone tell me if I should change it or not… Anyway, rated for language, really… I think everyone's out of character – except maybe Snape. As for the "PENIS" phone call… that's the new favorite Shakespeare Club word (Like "ply" in "Plying Ginny!" if anyone's read that – if you haven't you should, cause it's funny lol - so I thought I'd stick it in there. ) I'm gonna write more eventually definitely. I prefer to write the whole story before I actually upload it. I was gonna write the whole thing now, but I lost the mood to do it 'cause my 'rents were annoying me, but I know I'll finish it later, cause I _know_ Steph will bug me to… lol ) Anyway, this is long enough… if anyone actually read it… so enjoy! Review! Don't flame… or don't flame with lots of cursing, anyway… lol

Steph sat on the floor of her living room, her star-filled eyes draw to the huge TV three feet away from her.

"Harrrrryyyyyy," she chanted. "HARRY, HARRY, HARRY!!!! OMG, HARRY, YOU'RE SO FRIGGIN HOT, DAMMIT!!!"

_Reader's update – She is watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix on DVD, and the year is 2004, so it magically came out like five (five? Six? Who cares – you people choose…) years earlier than the movie was actually made (It's a special magical movie :-D ). _

"Harry, I just wanna eat you up!" cried Steph.

She clasped her hands together and put her chin on them.

"Harry," she whispered, "I wish to hear your voice…"

The phone suddenly rang.

"Harry?!?!?!" Steph yelled as she sprang up and ran to the phone, hoping for a miracle.

"Yes," she said in a seductive voice as she picked up the receiver.

"Oh, don't hit on me, dude! Ewww… Anyway, guess what??"

Her friend. Rin.

"What?" Steph asked, disappointment more than evident in her voice.

"PENIS!!!"

"Wha…?"

"It's my new favorite word, dude!"

"Why?"

"BECAUSE IT'S A FUCKIN' AWESOME WORD, DUDE!"

"Hahaha...." Steph said. "I love you, Rin-dude…. But, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to go. Why? I'm yet again indulging myself in my Harry fantasy."

"Oh, right," said Rin. "Don't do anything kinky, dude! Haha!"

"Grr, shuddup!" Steph cried. "Bye!"

"Byeeeeeeee," sang Rin.

Steph hung up the phone and returned to sitting Indian-style on the floor with her hands clasped in prayer yet again.

"Harry," she whispered, "I wish to feel your arms around me…"

Suddenly, someone grabbed her from behind. She screamed.

"Hahahaha, bitch! No imaginary characters will fulfill your _sexual _desires, I'm sure."

"Go away, asshole," she grumbled, recognizing her brother's voice. She pushed him away and jumped up angrily, grabbing the bat that mysteriously appeared next to her.

"Woah… no need to get so angry, _Stephie_," he said, backing away.

"That's right, go away!!" She yelled, raising the bat higher still. He ran out of the room.

"Now…" She muttered.

She sank back to the floor and clasped her hands together yet again.

"Harry," she whispered, anxiously this time – fearful of whatever other unwanted event could possibly transpire, "I wish I could be with you – kiss you, touch you, love you, fuck you…."

The floor suddenly shock beneath her. She shrieked.

"Is this an earthquake????!!!!"

But before she had time to consider the possibility, she was thrown headfirst into the TV and passed through the screen (which felt warm and supple), right into a scene of Harry sitting in the Gryffindor common room by himself, staring at the mound of homework before him.

She felt nothing, saw nothing and heard nothing. The world had gone silent and dark. Suddenly, she was aware of something hard under her, heat around her, the sounds of a fire cracking somewhere near her and someone (or something) practically on top of her, clouding her personal space. Now she wasn't going to have _that_! Her eyes flung open.

"Yo, what–" She began, but the words suddenly evaporated from her mouth and even her head completely. She shrieked.

"HARRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Harry, who had been staring down at her with a puzzled expression – as she had just randomly fallen from the ceiling – jumped back so fast he tripped over his feet and landed on his back, clutching his ears.

"AN OPENING!" Steph yelled at she jumped up from the floor and, wasting no time whatsoever, jumped on top of Harry.

"Harry! I love you!" She cried happily, trying to find some way to pull of his clothes.

"Hey, who are you??" He cried.

"Steph, I'm Steph! But you don't need to know that! All you need to know is that you're my true love and I'm your true love!"

"B-B-But," choked Harry.

"NO BUTS, DUDE!!!! C'MON, I WANT SEX, _NOW_!!!" She yelled, still trying to strip him.

"But I have homework," Harry whined.

"Oh shut-_up_, man," she said, rolling her eyes. "Let's do it now!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"I SAID NO!!"

"AND I SAID YES!!! LET'S GO!! NOOOWWWW!!!"

"No."

"Yes.

"No!"

"NOW!"

"Aww, fine," shrugged Harry.

"Finally!" Steph cried. She grabbed his sweater and pulled it off.

"Not here, let's go to the Prefect's Bathroom!"

"Fine," she grumbled, feeling like some great toy had been snatched away from her.

Harry made to go upstairs in search of his Invisibility Cloak but she grabbed his arm and dragged him toward the portrait hole.

"Hey, there's only so long that I can wait, you know!" She called.

She pushed the portrait open and rushed out of the common room and down the corridor, dragging him behind her.

"Hey, do you even know where you're going??" He cried as she turned some random corner, swinging him around and as a result, letting him bang into some indiscriminate wall. She didn't notice.

"Not really," she shrugged. "But, I have an idea! Let's do it now!"

She forced Harry onto the floor and jumped on him.

"Whooo, Harry," she grinned widely. "Getting a little excited for me, are you?"

Harry turned five different shades or red.

Suddenly, footsteps were heard walking toward them. Before Steph or Harry could move, Snape was towering above them.

"What the _hell_ is going on??" He ground out through gritted teeth, staring at Steph sitting on top of Harry. "And who _are_ you, girl??"

"I'm Steph from the future America," she said with a bright smile, "and I'm about to fuck Harry's brains out. Please leave."

Snape turned about twenty different shades of purple, and Harry, in turn, turned deathly green.

"Y-You, _what_???" Snape snarled.

"I told you," said Steph brightly. "Please leave!!! WE WANT SOME FUCKIN' PRIVACY, MAN! HELLO! NO ONE FOLLOWS _YOUR_ SEX LIFE!!!"

Snape looked about ready to commit atrocious murder. Before he could reply, Harry whipped out his wand.

"Obliviate!!!!" He yelled with such force that Snape was actually thrown backward into a wall with immense velocity and slid to the floor, unconscious.

"Gyaaah, let's get out of here!!" Harry cried as he grabbed her hand and virtually flew all the way to the Preferct's bathroom. They burst through the door, to which he knew the password for some unidentified reason, and slammed it shut behind them, bolting the lock. He sank down to the floor, breathing heavily.

"Whooo, that was fun!" Steph cried.

"You're fucking crazy," Harry gasped.

"What a brilliant idea, Harry! Time to fuck!!"

She jumped on Harry, and before he could say anything, she stripped him of his remaining clothes.

"Wow, you're even hotter than I thought," she muttered with a huge grin as she allowed him to strip her clothes until they were both naked, staring at each other with huge smiles. Slowly, they moved closer together….

**(Story not over yet!!!) **

Hahahaha, were you people expecting a lemon?? Were you? Oh why ask, I bet you all were… well too bad (like I said, this is rated for language – I meant _only_ language.)! P Sure, they had a lemon…. (huge juicy lemon P) but I'm sure as hell not gonna describe it. Why not (sophisticated language): Because I refuse to demean my chronicles to erotic pornographic occurrences for inhabitants to masturbate to them just to acquire a quantity of reviews. If you didn't get that, here's the regular language version (lol): I refuse to write porno just to please a few horny people just to get lots of reviews; if you want porno, go buy some DVDs or something. Lemons are banned on this, site anyway! So too bad!!! It so annoys me that like the only stories on this website that seem to have a lot of reviews unless their either incredibly long or incredibly amazing are the sexual ones – like omg, what's _wrong_ with you people??? Seriously… (Like no offence to anyone, but I've seen _total crap_ be called "the best story I ever read" 'cause it has sex in it…) But anyway, basically, they had mad wild sex (like five times :D) , and now the story shall pick up from there – if you're gonna stop reading because there's no lemon, go right ahead, but don't forget – if you're gonna do that, dude, you're horny as hell, and you should be ashamed!!!!!

"Wow, Harry… baby… that was awesome," Steph whispered, snuggling against Harry's bare chest.

"Every single time," agreed Harry.

"All five times," said Steph.

"Let's do it again, you random person who just felt out of the sky," said Harry.

"OKAY!!!!" Steph yelled.

Suddenly, Harry sat up with a gasp.

"W-What?" Steph asked, taken aback.

"I have a huge test," muttered Harry, horrified. "… with Snape!"

**A/N#2**: I hope you enjoyed the craziness!! Was it crazy enough for you?? Let me know what you think! REVIEW – SAVE A LIFE!!! Lol… Update soon to come. Didja enjoy it, Steph??

_iNiGmA_


	2. I Don’t Dig Incest, Snape!

**_A Sensual Wish _**_– chap 2- I Don't Dig Incest, Snape!_**_  
_**_By: iNiGmA_

****

Disclaimer: There's a random made up character for everyone – there's Harry for JKR and then there's some random shithead character made up by _me!_ Whooo! LOl.. But, Harry and all related characters are all owned by JKR – who is friggin' awesome!!!!

**A/N:** Wow, I got this chap out a lot faster than I expected to… lol… So, first of…. Harry Christmas, everyone!!! Secondly, um… lets see, for some random reason, all the asterisks and squiggly lines that separated the different parts in the last chapter all got cut out… so in this chap I tried to use a different method of separation - I hope it stays. So enjoy – I'll update soon!!

**---**

"Oh no, no no!" Harry cried as he got up and started searching for his clothes frantically while Steph sat on the floor and observed his sexy, muscular, naked body. "What time do you think it is??"

"I dunno…" she said, tilting her head to one side for a better angle. "About eight…. nine…"

Harry toppled over.

"Could be ten…." Steph said helpfully.

"I'm so fucked," choked Harry as threw his clothes on with a crazily unnatural speed. Steph sighed in disappointment. Harry crouched down beside her and stared into her eyes.

"I'm gonna go to Potions, OK?" He said. "Wait until everyone is gone and then go back to the dormitory. You can't go now 'cause you wouldn't let me get my-"

"-Invisibility Cloak?" Steph supplied with a huge grin. Harry looked confused as hell.

"Yeah… that," he said slowly. "Listen, how did you know that? Who are you, anyway? Well whatever, I don't have time, I'll see you after class. You know where the dormitory is, right?"

"I'll figure it out," said Steph with a huge grin.

"You know the password?"

"I'll figure it out," she said with an even bigger grin.

"OK, well I'll meet you there and then we'll talk. That OK?"

"Sure," said Steph, still grinning.

"OK, bye!"

She watched as Harry ran out of the bathroom and down the corridor.

"Wait in the dormitory?" Steph muttered as she reached for her clothes slowly. "That seems boring… why would I ever do _that_?"

---

Harry flew down to the dungeons like crazy while a chain of profanities played over and over again in his head like a broken record.

'_Shit_,' thought Harry, '_shit, shit, shit!!! I'm so late!! Snape is gonna brutally murder me!! SHIT!!_'

Being so distracted by his thoughts, Harry didn't notice the partition right in front of him and flew right into it. He was rebound back several feet and landed on his back.

"GRRRR!!!!" Harry growled, jumping up. He looked around the empty corridor. "NO ONE SAW THAT!!" He yelled gleefully.

His nose was aching and he raised a hand to it to find it coated in blood.

"Hmmm…." Harry muttered, "Excuses, excuses…"

Five minutes later, Harry burst into Snape's dungeon, blood dripping down his nose.

"Potter!!!"

"Yes, Professor Snape, sir?" Harry asked innocently.

"You're late, Potter."

"I'm sorry, sir."

"Why are you later, Potter?"

"I ran into a wall, sir."

Everyone who had been taking the test (who had looked up when he first burst through the door) began laughing like crazy.

"Excuse me?" Snape said.

"I said I ran into a wall, sir."

More laughs.

"So I went to the Hospital Wing, sir."

"Of course," said Snape idly. "The Famous Potter and the Hospital Wing. Of course… In that case, Potter, _why is your nose still bleeding???_"

"I got lost on the way, sir. Then I remembered that I had a test, so I came back here. I didn't wanna miss your test, sir. I came back just for _you_, sir."

Still more laughs.

"You're so stupid, Potter," Draco Malfoy called out.

"Why thank you for that brilliant assessment, Mr. Malfoy," said Snape coolly. "You, Potter, come here," Snape added, beckoning Harry to him. Harry did as he was instructed, rubbing his aching nose with one hand.

"It's interesting, Potter," said Snape in a deadly whisper as he flung a copy of the test at Harry so hard it almost knocked his glasses off his face. "This morning, Potter, I woke up in the west wing corridor with a huge bump on my head and my memory peculiarly vacant. Oddly, Potter, for some reason, out of nothing else, I managed to remember _your _face. I was wondering, Potter, if you could possibly inform me of the reason for that?"

"I have no clue, Professor," said Harry naively, plastering a mystified expression on his face.

"No clue at _all_, Potter?" Snape whispered so inaudibly that Harry could barely hear him, even as Snape leaned even closer to him. "None whatsoever?"

"Oh, I dunno," said Harry, "perhaps you're having kinky dreams about me, professor?"

_(Sorry, couldn't resist… haha...)_

Snape turned more purple than Harry had ever seen him. He looked positively livid. Harry laughed inwardly.

"Sit. Down. Potter," Snape managed to grit out. "If you value your life, Potter, then, _I pray you_, sit down!"

"Right you are, professor," said Harry with a huge grin as he headed to the back of the dungeon and plopped down next to Ron and Hermione, still holding the test. He had barely taken out a quill when a note from Ron found its way onto his lap. He opened it.

_Harry, what did you say to Snape?? He looks ready to kill someone!_

_I asked him if he was having kinky dreams about me_, wrote Harry, sending the note back to Ron. The reply was short and simple.

_Hahaha__, what? _Harry wrote.

_Why?_

_I'll tell you later._

_So, why were you really late?_

_I ran into a wall, I was serious…_

_Hahaha__, Harry… OK then where were you this morning? And last night, too?_

Harry looked at the paper, contemplating what to write. He finally settled on the truth.

_I was having mad sex with a mad hot girl who fell from the ceiling,_ he wrote.

Ron gave me an incredibly weird but hilarious look and chucked the note to Hermione. She glanced down at it and, completely disregarding her test, gave a loud shriek.

"YOU WERE _WHAT_????!!!"

---

"Awww, where's Harry?" Steph grumbled as she ambled down some random corridor. "Grrr, I lost him! Dammit! I should've just run after him naked!!! How am I supposed to get to Potions, anyway? Which stairway is it?? I dunno, I dunno, I DUNNO!!!! DAMMIT!!!"

She leaned against a wall, exhausted. It suddenly gave way and she plummeted down into darkness.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!" Steph screamed happily. She slid down into another corridor and jumped up. "Am I near potions?!?! Author, give me a sign!!!"

A little floating wooden sign appeared in front of her. It read:

**_Courtesy of Rin and InuYasha, the totally in love sexually-active couple, and their future sexy demon daughter, and their mad fun wild sex, happily present….. THE POTIONS CLASSROOM!_**

****

"Teehehehehe, thanks, dude, you rock!" Steph cried.

The message on the sign changed to:

**_Steph is most welcome. However, Rin is currently distracted and wishes to return to sex with InuYasha and hopes that Steph will find Harry all by herself. Rin and InuYasha wish Steph a most pleasant day and a Harry Christmas._**

"Uh huh, OK," said Steph. The sign disappeared. She turned to the door with a huge grin. This was going to be _so_ much fun….

---

"MS. GRANGER, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS??!!" Snape bellowed.

"Um…" Hermione stammered.

"THIS IS A PRACTICE OWL EXAMINATION!! CAN'T YOU REFRAIN FROM CALLING OUT JUST THIS ONCE??!"

"B-But…" She stuttered, "But I…"

"NO BUTS, MS. GRANGER!! YOUR TEST IS VOID! VOID, I SAID!!"

"_V-Void?!?!_" Hermione gasped.

"That's right, it's _void_!!"

"NO!" She yelled. "YOU CAN'T DO THAT!! YOU CAN'T NOT COUNT MY TEST!!!"

"I ASSURE YOU, MS. GRANGER, I CAN – AND I WILL!"

"**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!**" Hermione screamed dropping down to her knees with fountains of tears sprouting from her eyes. "NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT, YOU CAN'T, YOU CAN'T!!!"

"I CAN!"

"CAN'T!"

"CAN!"

"CAN'T!"

"AM!!"

"NOOOO!!!"

The door suddenly creaked open. Hermione and Snape desisted in their yelling match and both turned to face the door, Hermione with the most miserable expression imaginable. Steph stood framed in the doorway, a timid look plastered on her face.

"Hello…." She said in the softest voice conceivable.

"Who are you….?" Snape said slowly. He stared at the girl, confused. Though he was sure he had never seen her before, her face loomed before him just as Potter's from last night… why… Her and Potter…. That _damn_ Potter!! Potter who implied that Snape could perhaps be having kinky dreams about him… Repulsive little Potter…. Snape shuddered.

"I'm Steph, professor Snape," she said sweetly as she entered the room, everyone's eyes upon her.

"Steph what?" He asked aggressively. "What house are you in? Are you a first year? Why are you in my dungeon??"

"Potter," she grinned.

"Excuse me?"

"It's Steph Potter."

"_Potter_?!" He hissed. "As in _Harry Potter_?? Are you in some way related to him??"

"Oh God no," said Steph. "I'm Harry's loving future wife and sex mate. Gay sex is all fine with me – Shuichi and Yuki are the shit, dude. But I don't dig incest, so I can't _possibly _be related to Harry, wouldn't you say?"

Snape stared at her, completely lost for words.

"Excuse me, Professor," said Steph, "but your students find you rather boring, so please leave."

_Please leave._

Where had he heard that before??

"What-" Snape began but she lunged at him and before he could react, she grabbed his wand and pointed it at him.

"_Stupefy!!_" Steph yelled.

The desired effect was achieved and Snape fell unconscious at her feet. She jumped on his desk; everyone's stunned stares directed at her.

"I'LL BE TEACHING THIS CLASS FROM NOW ON!!!" She yelled, with a huge grin as she stared around at the sea of shocked students laid out before her.

---

What will Steph do next??? Think about it…. Hahaha, so many possibilities… read n review n I'll update!! Reviews motivate me to work faster, ppl!!! :)

---

**A/N#2**: smiles Like it, ppl? If you do, PLEASE review! Let it be an Xmas present.. like this chap is from me to anyone who reads it!!! Lol… The next chap shall be more amusingly perverted and will have more Steph in it. This one is longer than the last chap tho… I think… so I'm cutting it off here. The Yuki/Shuichi reference is to Gravitation by Murakami Maki. The InuYasha reference is… too obvious to mention… heh….

---

**harry's4me****notu**: yay, I'm glad u like it dude!!! Merry xmas!! Okie… I'll ease of da cursing… or I'll try lmao… and I shall never put a lemon in this… ever…

---

_--iNiGmA--_


	3. Sex Ed With Professor Steph!

**_A Sensual Wish _**_– chap 3- Sex Ed With Professor Steph!_**_  
_**_By: iNiGmA_

****

Disclaimer: I don't own HP and I realllyyy wish I didn't own this chap either, but most unfortunately I do and it is proof that I must be totally high on something!!!!

**A/N:** Another quick update…. Hmn, I think I must been high when I wrote this lol… I'm sorry that it's so crazy… I'm sorry to all Malfoy fans…. REALLY sorry…. And enjoy and please review when you're done and don't flame too violently….

**---**

"Oh. My. God." Harry gasped.

"Who's she?" Ron muttered.

"You know… _her…_" Harry whispered, glowing scarlet.

"Ooh, _her…_.?"

"Yes, _her_."

Steph spoke again and they both looked up to stare at her.

"You people all hate Potions, don't you?!?!" She called out.

No one spoke.

"HELLO!!!!" She screamed. "ARE YOU PEOPLE DEAF???? DON'T YOU ALL HATE POTIONS??? HELLO – ANSWER ME!!! YES OR NO?????!!!!"

Everyone shrunk back from the noise.

"WE HATE POTIONS!" Ron yelled from the back.

"_THANK YOU!_" Steph yelled back.

She raised Snape's wand and waved it around. All Potions-related crap disappeared from the room. Two semi-see-through, revolving, 3D, life sized, nude, models of a man and a woman appeared next to her. Everyone stared.

"SCREW POTIONS!!!" Steph yelled. "WELCOME TO SEX ED!!!!!!!!"

Stares. Laughs.

"What's wrong you people??" Steph cried. "Don't any of you even know what sex is?!?!"

No one answered.

"Are you all scared of me, or something?? I'm not gonna eat you or anything! Hello, I just saved you from Snape!!"

"Yeah, she's right!" Ron called. "Hermione, your void test doesn't matter anymore!"

"OMG, THAT'S RIGHT!!!!" Hermione screamed happily. She jumped up and started dancing around the room. All the Gryffindors then got up and followed her example as they danced around the room singing, "NO MORE SNAPE!! NO MORE SNAPE! SNAPE CAN GO EAT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!"

The Slytherins, in turn, hid in a corner, shaking.

"GET THOSE DAMN SLYTHERINS!!!!" Steph screamed.

The Gryffindors jumped on the Slytherins with Indian-type war screams.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!" Steph laughed, watching the full blow-out war taking place before her. Suddenly, someone grabbed her around the waist. She whirled around to see Harry standing there, grinning at her.

"You're crazy…" he muttered.

"And you're hot," she replied.

She jumped down on him from the desk and they both toppled to the floor. She kissed him hungrily.

"You're so damn sexy, Harry," she whispered, breaking her lust-driven attack of his lips, tongue and mouth for a few seconds to talk to him.

"I dunno where you came from, but I sure hope you never leave," he whispered seductively into her ear.

Harry slipped his hand into her shirt, searching. His hand was playing with the clasp of her bra, when suddenly a sign appeared in front of Steph's face. She squinted at it, annoyed.

**_Focus, Steph, focus!!! SEX ED, REMEMBER!!! NO FRIGGIN SEX IN THE CROWEDED CLASSROOM – WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU?!?! I LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR ONE SECOND AND YOU… YOU…. GRRRRRRR!!!!! JUST GO AND TEACH YOUR FRIGGIN SEX ED WHILE ME AND YASHA CONTINUE OUR MAD WILD SEX AND THEN YOU CAN HAVE SOME LATER, OK?!?! OK???????!!!!!!!!!!_**

****

"Someone's mad…" Steph muttered. With a sad sigh, she stood up to realize that the noise around her had somewhat diminished.

"What are you doing?" Harry asked, confused.

"Sex later," she chanted to herself over and over again. "Sex later, sex later…."

"What?" Harry asked, staring.

"I SAID WE'LL HAVE FRIGGIN' SEX LATER!!!" She screamed.

The room went deadly quiet.

"GET BACK TO YOUR SEATS, PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!" Steph screamed as loud as was humanly possible – or even louder. Everyone scrambled to their seats frantically. She looked around at them all with a huge grin.

"Now," said Steph, "it's time for some Sex Ed!!"

She turned to the model of the woman. "Now," she said as she pointed at the chest. "THESE ARE BOOBS!!!"

Half the boys in the room let out a resounding whoop. Hermione looked amazed at their immaturity. Steph ignored them all.

"Now," she said, "there are many different names for boobs – chest, breasts, tits, titties – ooooo, you know there's actually an anime character called _TITI_???? Hahahahaha!!!!"

"Um… what?" Ron muttered.

_(Note – Harry doesn't talk much in class 'cause he's spending the entire period staring at Steph and thinking dirty thoughts :P)_

"Yeah, Titi, his name is _Titi_, hahahahaha!"

"OK?" Some random person called out.

"Right you are!!!!" Steph called. "The rest of the body now!!! Now, this here is the vagina, dudes!! And that over there on the guy is the penis!!!!! Penis and vagina – it's a match!!!!"

"I prefer cock and pussy!" Malfoy called.

"WELL YA NO WHAT??!?!?!?!" Steph screamed so loudly that he shrunk back, "PENIS AND VAGINA ARE THE REAL SCIENTIFIC NAMES, YOU ASSHOLE, SO SHOVE THAT UP YOUR ASS, OK??? PUSSY SOUNDS LIKE A WEAK AND RETARDED FRAGILE WORD AND _COCK_??? WHAT ARE YOU – A ROOSTER??? ARE YOU A ROOSTER, MALFOY?!?!?! IS THERE A ROOSTER HIDING IN YOUR PANTS?!?!?!?!?!?"

Malfoy turned scarlet and started to cry.

"My mummy told me that the other kids wouldn't make fun of me for it!!!!!" He wailed. "You're mean!!!!!!!"

Everyone within the vicinity of Malfoy backed away very quickly.

"Wow, I _so_ didn't need to know that…." Steph muttered. She raised her hands in prayer.

'_Thank you, Rin-dude, you're brilliant_,' she thought.

Another sign appeared in front of her face.

**_Now problem, dude!!! You know how I love torturing him, hahaha… anyways, later dude…. Now, Yasha….. PAKAJI, PAKAJI, PAKAJI MNE LUBOV!!!!_**

****

"Right…" Steph muttered, returning her attention to the class.

"YOU HAVE A ROOSTER INSTEAD OF A DICK, MALFOY?!?!" Ron hooted gleefully.

"SHUT-UP!!!" Malfoy yelled. "SHUT-UP, SHUT-UP, SHUT-UP!!! IT'S A FAMILY MUTATION PASSED DOWN BY BLOOD!!!"

"That's impossible!!" Hermione cried. "You can't have a rooster instead of a penis!! You can't have a male chicken instead of a reproductive organ! It's completely impossible!!"

"SHUT-UP!!"

"Ooooh Draco, how do you pee?!" some Slytherin girl called.

"So your dad has a rooster, too??? Then how did he have sex?!" Another girl called.

"Can I touch it, Draco?!" Pansy Parkinson shrieked.

Malfoy jumped up with an angry yell.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" He screamed, running for the door. "I HATE ALL OF YOU!!! DIE!!!!! I _KNEW_ I SHOULD'VE GONE TO DURMSTRANG!! NO ONE THERE GIVES A SHIT IF YOU HAVE A PENIS, A VAGINA, OR A ROOSTER!!! BUT NOOOOO, MY MOTHER WOULDN'T LET ME!!!

" 'NO, DRACO, HONEY,' SHE SAID, 'NO ONE AT HOGWARTS WILL MAKE FUN OF YOU, I PROMISE! HARRY POTTER IS GOING TO HOGWARTS AND YOU HAVE TO BE THERE TO MAKE HIS LIFE MISERABLE!! AND DURMSTRANG IS REALLY TOO FAR FROM HOME.'

"WELL _FUCK YOU,_ MOTHER!!!!!!"

He ran out of the room, slamming the door behind him while everyone stared.

"Wow…" Hermione muttered.

"Would you look at that?" Harry muttered. "I think we genuinely hurt his feelings…"

"Do we care?" Ron asked.

"Not at all," said Harry.

"RIGHT YOU ARE, SEXY HARRY!!" Steph screamed. "NOW BACK TO SEX ED!!!"

She walked over to the model of the man and grabbed the penis. Some people stared at her, confused. Some gasped.

"What are you doing?!" Someone cried.

"SHUT-UP!!!" Steph screamed. They all did. "Now," she continued, "the guy's penis gets erect when the dude is sexually excited, such as so!"

She tapped it with her wand and it grew long and erect.

"This is quite a big penis," said Steph. "But Harry's is bigger."

Harry toppled off his chair and landed on the floor with a thud.

"Don't get too excited just yet, sexy Harry," called Steph loudly. "Save it for later tonight, OK?"

Harry emerged from behind his desk, blushing furiously.

"OOOh, Harry, what have _you _been doing??" Seamus called.

"You slut!" Pansy called to Steph.

"YOU'RE ONE TO TALK, BITCH!! I KNOW WHAT YOU AND GOYLE HAVE BEEN DOING!!!" Steph called.

Pansy glowed scarlet.

"What do you mean by that?!?!" Crabbe yelled, outraged. "YOU TRYIN' TO TAKE MY GIRL FROM ME, GOYLE?!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'MY GIRL'?" Goyle exploded. "PANSY IS MINE – I JUST SLEPT WITH HER LAST NIGHT!! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?!"

"LAST NIGHT?!?! ME AND HER JUST SCREWED THIS MORNING INSTEAD OF BREAKFAST!!!"

"Now that I did _not _know," muttered Steph, sickened.

Goyle jumped on Crabbe and they started rolling around on the floor, screaming and punching each other. Steph hopped over to the door and flung it open. Crabbe and Goyle eventually rolled out through it and she slammed it shut behind them before returning to the desk.

"So much for _Crap _and _Soil_," she said, clapping her hands together. The Gryffindors cheered. Pansy shrunk into a corner, trying to evade the revolted stares.

"Aaaannnyyywaaayyyy," continued Steph, "after both man and woman are mad aroused, they'll have sex. There is oral sex, anal sex, and vaginal sex. I will concentrate on the last one 'cause it's the shit!!! There are many different positions to have sex. I will now demonstrate the most usual one."

"What, you and Harry will?!?!" Ron called out.

Harry and Hermione both smacked him upside the head from two different sides.

"Ooooooo, we'll see her naked!!" Some Slytherin guy called out.

"OOOOOO, we'll see _Harry_ naked!!!" A different Slytherin guy called out.

The room grew very quiet. Harry sunk very low into his chair.

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that…." said Steph. "Anyway, NO, NOT WITH ME AND HARRY!!! THIS IS A SEX ED CLASS, NOT A SHOWCASE OF THE LOVE HARRY AND I SHARE!!!!"

"Then with what?" Ron asked, confused.

"Why, with these dudes!!" Steph called happily, pointed to the two nude models. With a tap of Snape's wand, they moved toward each other and proceeded to have sex on Snape's desk.

"Wooowww," Ron muttered, mesmerized. "It's magical…."

Many other people's eyes were also glued to the pornographic display which I will definitely _not_ describe with _any_ sort of detail.

"Disgusting…" Hermione muttered, turning away.

Steph sat on the desk next to her creation, grinning widely. Suddenly, the door burst open and the most revolting person within the vicinity of Hogwarts (and most likely the whole existing universe) burst in, accompanied by Draco Malfoy.

"Well, well, well, what have we here?" She squeaked.

Her tiny eyes darted around the room, taking in every single detail. She smiled evilly. Steph, however, wasn't the least bit put out.

"Well, well, well," she said with a huge evil smile. "If it isn't Umbitch…"

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_Note: This is technically during their fifth year even though the plot does not follow the book whatsoever- basically, there are certain characters I wanted to use, so this is kinda like an AU year five :-D._

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Wow… what will crazy Steph do next?!?!?! What will she say to Umbridge (Umbitch, as I prefer to call her..)??!?!?! REVIEW IF YOU WANNA KNOW!!!!!

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**A/N#2**: Like I said, I think I was high on something…. Lol… Was that _too_ crazy? And there actually _is_ an anime character named Titi. Lmao… Kamyu Titi from Sequence. I have no clue which is the first name and which is the last name but it's an awesome manga and you can get the first 4 chaps from Aku Tenshi (if anyone's interested).

_"PAKAJI, PAKAJI, PAKAJI MNE LUBOV!!!!" _from the note are lyrics from the Russian version of "Show Me Love" by T.A.T.U. and translate directly to "show, show, show me love", but in the English version have been adapted to "Show me love, show me love, show me love" instead. Sounds better, but I prefer the original Russian version – it's beettteerrrr, dudes!!! Anyway, that's in case anyone was confused lol.

In the last chap where it said "Ron's answer was short and simple" it was supposed to say "…" but it got cut out for some reason… anyway if it gets cut out again, it's: dot dot dot But it shouldn't. ANYWAY, PLEASE REVIEW!!!! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!!!!!!!

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**harry's4me****notu**: Is this too much cursing, or its fine? I mean, you didn't say 'fuck'… lol… dun wry, you and Harry will soon get alllllllll the alone time you want! Like that talk he promised you, lol… I just have to stick in some funi shit first. Talk should be next chap.

**Agent Paper**: TY! I love InuYasha toooo wheee! Though I'm possibly going to move on to Titi or not… HAHAHA TITI!! THAT'S SO FRIGGIN HILARIOUS, I FEEL SO BAD FOR HIM! BUT HE'S HOT!! LOL… sorry, off topic, so ty for the review, byez!

**hikaru-chan**: TY DUDIE!!!!! Really, funnier than the Yuki/Kyou friends scene? OOoooh, but that was so funi!!!! There, I wrote more, ureshi desu ka? Ja ne, dudie!!

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_--iNiGmA--_


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